My humbleness comes in waves. I really like the analogy of emotions to waves, because I can’t seem to fucking hold on to any of mine. I have these frustratingly fleeting moments of supreme humility and empathy to the struggles of all those around me. I realize.
People are shitty and fucking rude because they are suffering.
Their stupidity leaves them in this perpetual state of stagnation. They wake into shit situations surrounded by shit people doing shit work. They play the game as if it were mandatory. They are purposeless people. And yet, where I stand on my moral high ground, judging these fools as if I am not their blind brother.
But unknowingly, and sometimes knowingly, I compare myself to these child like people, and I feel good about myself. I feel that I am truly living my life. I feel that I am this transcendent being. This illusion of my greatness is only because my contrast is so piss poor.
I will fucking fail and live a life full of regret if I continue to compare myself to the people who surround me.
I have a nanometer of self awareness. Enough so, that in fleeting moments, I realize how egotistical I am. My ego is fucking huge. It attempts to hide under a veil of humilty but it is a fucking wolf. It feeds on knowledge. I devour book and aricle alike, aggrogating as much information on as many topics as I can inorder to always maintain the number one spot amongst people perfectly content with knowing no more than sport scores and celebrity gossip.
I am the lost one. I am competing for the respect of people whom I do not respect.
But then there are those moments, moments where my ego falls asleep, and I see all people as equals. I see their prisons and suffer with them. These moments are blissful.
But then my ego returns, and takes control of my consciousness again. More powerful then before the bliss, because it realizes the power I am capable of. It wants that power. I want it. I want my ego to coexist with enlightenment.