Yesterday I
swallowed .2 grams of MDMA and ate 4.3 grams of psychedelic
mushrooms. Before this, I had never mixed the two. The experience was
something beyond what my word-net here will be able to capture, but
there were some fishies I can bring back in my linguistic trap.
I love you and if I haven't already, I'd like to share these
beautiful chemicals with you. And as this trip report may show, that
is exactly what I'm suppose to do.
My girlfriend
and her friends planned a day at the lake. Seizing the opportunity to
both hang out with attractive females in nature, and not having to be
responsible for anything, I felt it was a perfect opportunity to try
a psychedelic recipe a mentor had suggested; mixing the mycelial
plant intelligence of psilocybin with the love deluge of MDMA. Around
1 pm, I took the first half dose of MDMA while the females got ready
and I watched the first half of the Cavs vs. Celtics game. An hour
later I grounded up the heap of mushrooms and choked it down with
some water. After that, I took the next half of the MDMA. I waited in
the back until everyone was ready to go. I could already feel the
MDMA angel hugging me while I watched the leaves of a Willow playfully wave at
me. Their energy seemed so young and energetic and genuinely happy.
My beautiful love healer came and told me they were ready to go and
as we packed into the car, I had to take a few deep breaths as I
gazed into the sky. There was no way the mushrooms had metabolized
yet but I was already seeing the sky in a kind of wide-scope
fish-eyed lens that I seem to only unlock when the mushies are
coursing through my veins. I could perceive the subtle curvature of
the earth and the sky in a way that reveals the spherical nature of
Gaia. Sober, the earth can feel flat and normal. The sky was
almost stealing my breath with its awe. My diaphragm responded and
the two, my respiratory system and the heaven's majesty, danced for a
few beautiful, slow breaths. Namaste Apollo.
The drive to the
lake was raw experience. There was no recording Erick to remember and
document. As was the case when I took true, kit-tested LSD, the
recording self seems to go offline for packets of moments, then
resurfaces for a few moments, hilariously unaware of its impending
dissolution, it attempts to record, only to float away again.
From my sober
present state, I can remember the supreme bliss I felt during the car
ride. The MDMA feels like it effects the light that is consciousness,
while psilocybin feels like it is a kind of lens the light shines
through. Like, the MDMA is a new kind of bulb my consciousness
ordered from Amazon, and the psilocybin was a filter I put over the
bulb which I discovered in a magical dungeon while on a hero's quest. And my consciousness just had a fucking party for a couple of hours.
This paragraph likely makes little sense to any who haven’t
experienced these chemicals, but hopefully, and likely, it connects with those of
you who have.
The next moment my
recording self came on line, we were walking through semi-tall grass
on our way to the shore. I felt my only moment of anxiety. The way
the girls were talking to each other, the rhythm and cadence, it felt
so frantic, and disharmonious with the rhythm nature was pulsating
too. A part of me knew this is the way they always spoke, but another
part of me could feeel the energy behind the words, and the energy
was not in coherence with mine. The moment passed and once we sat
down to make our little camp, I booped my stoned-ass down between
some beautiful rocks and there I stayed, sizzling in the Sun's hungs.
(In my altered state, I chose to not put on sunscreen because I
wanted to have a physical reminder of my trip. As I type to you with
lobster-red claws, I don't regret this decision.)
Between these two
rocks, a lot was experienced. This is where the sacraments peaked, so
my recording self has no sense of chronology. There were quite a few
landmarks I remember as I phased into another consciousness state.
My friends were 5 feet from me but consciously, experientially, they
felt miles away.
At the beginning of
this peak, I decided I wanted to warp-drive instead of rocket into
the experience so I asked for and inhaled two puffs of some hydro
setiva. I rarely smoke because my exploration into psychdelia has
WD-40'd the hinges of my Doors of Perception and they will fling open
when Mary J comes a'knocking. Flung open they did, and for quite some
time, maybe an hour, my experiential self was gone. There was no egoic Erick to record events. I was naked awareness.
When I finally
become a little aware I started looking at the sky again. The clouds,
the night sky and her stars, these were the original canvases humans
had to project their imaginations on. From this celestial canvas we
received the Mythologies. I think we have destinies. We have
callings, and we can say no. I think looking at your childhood, and
what your pure energy gravitated toward provides you hints. As a boy,
maybe 8 or 9, I became interested in mythology. I read everything my
school's library had on Greek mythology. Once I finished that, my Dad
started giving me his Norse mythology books. Then, I went on to read
the Arthurian myths. This is a hint, I enjoyably assume. And this
hint, turned into a glaring, gigantic message.
As a quick aside,
I've had a handful of experiences, most while on the mycelial mesh
I'll admit, where I feel like I'm receiving some kind of divine,
transcendent message. I know this sounds like a slippery road to
insanity, and I tread carefully. My favorite reality tunnel to filter
these events is Depth Psychology, where this kind of event is
basically explained as your Self, the deep, wise part of you,
communicating with the little egoic you. Everyone has a Self, but most people are too
distracted to listen, and too confused to understand. That filter
seems like it will keep me from Thorazine injections.
Well, I
had one of these experiences while staring at the clouds. The largest
cloud in my field of vision began to morph. I have had enough to these kinds of experiences to know just relax and allow it to happen and not to resist. The cloud transformed into a
huge raccoon with an owl or eagle headdress on. The raccoon with the
bird cape/headpiece is a Native American symbol for the shaman. The
cloud symbol appeared as if it was moving toward me. Into me. I
remember saying “Yes, I accept,” in response to it's asking “Do
you accept.” At my accepting, the cloud returned to its original
shape and I was left with the question, “What are the
responsibilities of a shaman.”
I know I'm not adequately conveying the immensity of this experience. I saw a 60 foot tall, probably 160 foot long animal cloud in the sky and it was coming at me.. I felt the gravity of the situation but there was no fear. I suppose the energy of the experience is something I can only experience, and cannot convey. I tried, love.
It is important to note that I knew this was a hallucination. A part of the process of understanding yourself is learning your Self's symbolic language. This can be done by starting a dream journal and recording your dreams. Patterns emerge. Hints suggested. I knew what this symbolic event meant for me. Learning yours is important, especially if you enjoy the psychedelic waters.
As another aside,
sober Erick fancies himself a soon-to-be psychotherapist, or
Cognitive/Behavioral therapist, but the current academic rigamarole
is not appealing. Something I ask everyone I share these sacraments
with is, “If you knew you would be successful, and if money did not
matter, what would you do with your life, because you will die, and
everything you create and collect, will waste away?” I know its
heavy, but I think its the most important question, and the chemicals
help the Self answer, not the ego. My answer, in short, is to be a
shaman or therapist or healer, depending on your reality tunnel. I think ol'raccoon spirit is a
manifestation of that psychic energy. He's a symbolic manifestation of that archetype.
Once I had accepted
the shamanic call, the cloud dissipated and in its wake was the moon.
Luna, half exposed, sat vividly in the sky. I fixed my gaze on her
while my mind began to process what had just happened. I remember
thinking how watching celestial bodies drift through the sky offers a
more accurate representation of natures rhythm. She is long,
methodical, powerful, and slow.
As I stared, I began grasping
my surroundings more, although I never broke my gaze with Luna. Near
our camp was a group of teenage girls playing with a jet-ski. I
thought of them as lake nymphs. In Greek mythology, every river and
lake had guardian Nymphs. They are playful and young energies. I knew
they wanted us to ask about the jet-ski. I thought about telling my
friends about the subtle offering but I didn't want to speak.
Thinking about these
lake guardians and their energies, I had what is likely the most
practical revelation of this trip, and in hindsight, I choose to
believe it is my gift for accepting the shamanic calling. I began
thinking of all living organisms as energy bundles. Before, most of
my life, I unconsciously separated things by the classifications
science had given us: gender, age, species, etc. But now, with this
new kind of analytic tool, I began thinking about the people I know
and love, and myself as these psychic energy clouds. Sadly, I lack
the right words to explain this. It is more like a room I unlocked
but needs cleaning than an ability I have at my fingertips at all
times. Practice is to be implemented.
Woah. I just
realized this now. The two energies I felt most prominently in myself
were Growth and Protector. I didn't see it then, but these are the
two energies I inherited from my mother and father. As I was thinking
about the protecting energy in me, because I want to protect me
tribe, my friends, and my family, I found myself drawing in the sand.
My two fore fingers were pressing the sand away from an untouched
circle in the center. The pressed sand around the center created a
square around the circle. In my minds eye I felt like I was putting
up a wall to keep out the world. This felt like resistance and I
wiped away the drawing. As I did, I thought about the Tibetan monks
and their sand mandalas; how after they finish, they wipe it away.
Everything material is impermanent.
This brought my gaze
back to Luna. I started thinking about our conscious life on earth.
We've created such a complex, interwoven cultural mesh that billions
never see beyond. We have created beautiful distractions to encapsulate us from the raw, sheer magnitude that is naked existence. Staring at Luna provided me a symbolic
anchoring point which could pull me out of this manic mesh, where I
could sit quietly. I sat with her for an hour or two.
There is a deep
tragedy to our lives. We are monkeys with crowns of consciousness. We
have the divine light, but its attached to this animalistic meat
suit. We are the forgetting gods. So many, myself included, forfeit
our light to the whimsical ebb and flow of our primal emotions as they carry us through the day. I need to polish my crown.
Staying true to my
personal psychedelic motif, I cried. I had moved away from my group
to a shelter because I could feel Apollo's arrows beginning to
pierce. I cried for everyone. And another revelation occurred, these
tears are what save me. These tears were love. Before falling in
love, I thought in a kind of purely logical way. I could almost see
this kind of thought in my minds eye. Blue and symmetrical. But there
was a little crack in the upper right part of this thought structure,
and a red fume spilled out. The fume was love and it connected me to
the material world. I choose to live in this tragic culture because
my loved ones live here and most, most of the time, don't see how
trapped they are. I felt myself curling into the fetal position,
feeling like an infant in the womb. Safe. Protected. Loved.
I could feel the end
of the experience. I sat on a stone bench, watching the wind dance
with the grass and skip across the lake. I sat there for a couple of
hours without thought. Naked existence. I thanked Her and Him and It
for the adventure. I spent the rest of the day exhausted and
sunburnt, in love and peaceful.
There is practice to
be had. Thank you for reading. I love you. I hope Fate and your daemon bring you to me so we can dance on these chemicals. Namasteezy
Gods.
