Step One: Das Body

I've been struggling lately. Its not a unique struggle. There are plenty of much less fortunate kids my age facing the same situation; about to graduate college and trying to find their way in this economy. I get easily overwhelmed thinking about how many possible paths my life could take depending on how I act every day in the following couple of months. I can't dwell on it though. Its too heavy.

Fucking money. There are the things I'd like to do, and there are the things I'd be able to stand doing to make money. This is what I've been mulling over almost everyday since the start of this semester. What can I do to make money? Can my degree get me any work in my field? These are questions ignoring the deeper questions of what do I want to devote my life too? How can I contribute to mankind? How can I afford car insurance...

I think I've made up my mind as to where to start. I've had many inspirational thoughts as to what to devote my life too. Almost all drug induced. Today though, I had one of these thoughts sober. I'm going to devote the next couple of years of my life to understanding and playing with the human body. I'm going to try my hand at personal training. Without getting to side tracked, I think our psychologies are more affected by our relationship to our bodies than almost any person recognizes. I also have a feeling therapy could be drastically improved if the counselor and patient workouted together, but thats an entirely other subject.

Now there is the finical aspect of this pursuit. I want to do this on my own. I think I'll need to start another blog specifically for this endeavor. Also, I'm sure a smart person in a boardroom somewhere has thought of this, but I think social media changes the amateur entrepreneurial game. Most of my peers are entering the age where they have a little bit of money to spend and some of services to offer. Why are we not asking and paying our friends to provide services for us? We get to support our friends, we know we won't be getting cheated, and well, no taxes...

For the next month or so I'm going to start doing the research. Once that time comes, if you trust me, let me train you. Starting out I'm not going to charge any money, but my broke ass will be accepting donations. Be my ginny pigs. And if you have services you can offer, I'm willing to return the favor.

Tripping Down the Rabbit Hole

I let my head roll back. Weed has never been the same since falling down that psychedelic rabbit hole. Two inhales and I was seeing pulsating waves beneath my eyelids. Because of this I’ve drastically cut down on how frequently and how much I smoke. Tonight was an exception.

Then the revelations started. One of my favorite feelings induced by cannabis is the awe generated from what feels like novel and profound insights. Desperately as I may try to capture these revelations with words or voice recorder, the magic of the moment is never resurrected. The first insight was “I can see their psychologies.”

I’m a psych major so psychological verbiage saturates my linguistics. If I were this or that, I’d use words like soul, consciousness, or aura as a substitute for psychologies. What prompted the revelatory statement “I can see their psychologies” was my being overwhelmed by the visual stimuli that was the room and its occupants, which caused me to close my eyes and rest my head back on the couch.

Weed distorts time, and after an immeasurable amount of time, things became interesting. There is a phenomenon known amongst smoking groups. Once a particularly large amount of weed has been distributed and assimilated, there is a collective silence. Every person is experiencing flow, completely immersed in their own thoughts. The first person to break out of their blissful flow and become self aware sets the tone for the rest of the group. The way I perceive it, the secure member will see his fellow smokers in their individual universes, let them be, and return to his thoughts. The insecure member will become begin worrying if he looked stupid or whatever other negative thoughts infest his perception, and in this self doubt, will start looking at others to find something to mock or ridicule. Thus begun das giggles.

I, like most humans, have self-doubt, insecurities, and all those wonderful psychological angels. So normally, when the giggles begin and my flow is destroyed, my first self-aware thought is to assess my goofiness and correct it. Not tonight.

To make a long and more revealing than I care to reveal story shorter and less revealing, I was being mocked by a few of the members. It is admirable to be hurt by peoples mocking and to not allow it to show or impact you further. This was not the case. I was another level up. I knew exactly what was happening. I was completely aware of their intentions. And I was completely unmoved by it. I was actually enjoying it. I can’t recall another time in my life where I was so aware of another persons wish to belittle little me, and it have no affect. This was rather nice.

(Although, to be fair, the very fact I feel compelled to write this and proclaim so adamantly that it did not bother me may beg a question or two.)

So my friend and I left the gathering and drove home where I proceeded to politely cross some psychological boundaries I, now sober, think may have been too forcefully crossed.

Psychology is a weird field of study. I like it because I have a knack for it or at least I think I do. I may have more of a knack at arguing, and psychology being the soft science it is, may leave room for lazy would be lawyers.

This passion and aptitude for psychology also makes retrospective drugs so much more exhausting than I think these trips are for others. After the brief social gathering, ride home, midnight run, and hour in front of a mirror playing with ligaments, my mind was fucking drained.

I don’t think weed will ever be the same for me since last semester. I think this is good. I enjoy the drug and the perspective it brings. It’s a good place to visit rather than live. 

Psychedelic walk

Schools been stressing me lately.

As I was walking from class, on a whim, I tried to see the world as if I were peaking on mushrooms. I imagined the boarders of buildings waving as if they were mirages. I pretended I could feel tree's talking, telling me how nice it is to be. I focused on how all solid objects are mostly empty space, how all solids are vibrations.

I looked up at the sky. Realized that blue cocoon is a illusion, that beyond it, the real ceiling is blackness. I realized that there is no ceiling. How we are one of a jumble of plants circulating around a star, which circles around a body of stronger mass, how that body of mass circles around another. I tried to picture a cosmic twist of infinite bodies of decreasing mass circling each other creating a universal dance beyond perception. Okay, they're not technically circles.

I looked at people. Only then did I become self-aware. I had walked most the length of campus stupidly staring at buildings, trees, and the sky. I didn't realize the expression on my face. Once I started looking at my fellow conscious flesh sacs, the psychedelic feeling would end. Our collective self-consciousness, false bravado, misplaced anger, stress ladened eyes, artificial smiles... litered their faces.

I had to look away.

The awe returned. I walked a few more minutes. Now I'm here writing. I want to help people.

The fact is, whether my observations be true or not, they are projections of my self unto these strangers. Those are qualities I see because I feel them too. I want to help people, but it starts with helping myself.

Writing helps. 

A thought March 8, 2013

We all think we're crazy. Our definitions of crazy vary. My crazy is masculine. He refutes. He's always somewhere within conscious-shot, ready to argue any thought, be it positive or negative. His crown is my complete belief that there are no absolute truths, which he happily points out that such a claim is a paradox. And so the black hole spins.

Well, another mini-epiphany struck while I was coming home from the gym tonight. I've established my staunch stance on absolute truths and I've talked about how we can create our own beliefs. I'm deciding to start. After I thought about fleshing out this idea, while in the shower, I thought about waiting until my experience next week, but I decided against it. Just more excuses. I'm not laying cement, but foder. I think I'll be bringing some foreign nutrients to the soil come next weekend.

So, my current metaphysical beliefs. (hahaha, I've spent a great deal longer and wrote a great deal more than I had expected too and got wildly off topic, this is going to be difficult for me.) Formal logic aside, I'm choosing to believe that whatever I believe will be as true as I am capable if believing it. Therefore, I'm choosing to believe that there is a Godhead version of all of us who chose this location is time/space to play a game in.

This idea is heavily influenced by Alan Watts. We basically gave up the knowledge of our Godheadness and created this universe to enrich with our trillions of conscious fragments. The course of this game has been a growth from less complex to more complex. We are pretty close to the end of game, in the perspective of the whole of time.

Basically, we're Godhead and we're afraid to admit it.

I'm going to stop here for now...

Another Perspective

I haven't written in awhile. Life seems busier then it has ever been before. This may always be the case. But today has been special, so I think it'd be best to end with one of these.

I've be on this stint for awhile now, that there is a shared reality most sane people accept but that this reality offers only a few answers, begs more questions, and doesn't withstand most philosophical questions. I'm talking about the collectively observable world, the one that can be scientifically tested. A reality that can only be measured by a few 'hard' sciences. But don't look to closely at water dynamics or light or gravity or time, because when you do, even this sliver of shared reality begins to shake.

I'm convinced every single human who has ever lived has had a unique and irreplicable perception, experience, and thus truth about life.

I'm rambling, the point of this post is that I'd like to offer a particular perspective. I've thought about this perspective before, and I may have hinted at it in other posts. Its not an original idea, I think I picked it up from an Alan Watts lecture. It seemed to be on my mind today. I was on the way from the gym and I was hit with that feeling of awe that causes goosebumps. I hope you know the type. The casual thought was what if this life and all contributing factors, i.e. the world, the laws of nature, humankind, this location in time/space, was something I chose.

The way my mind works, the first four thoughts after writing that sentence are rebuttals. I'm going to ignore those for this post.

There are two logical reasons why this idea lingers with me. The first is my luck. I have access to a abundance of food. That puts my luck in the upper half of mankind. I am without any major or even mild illnesses or handicaps. Top ten percent. I live in a 1st world country, own a car, about to have a degree, and I'm relatively intelligent. Top maybe two or three percent. Now, a less quantifiable variable, and maybe controversial, is that I'm a tall, white, average weight male. The science is out there that on a subconscious level, in the culture I live in, there is a statistical significant chance I will be offered the job, given the raise, trusted, accepted, and forgiven more often then other gender/race/body-type combination. I am lucky.

The second, a more profound, and a less egotistical logical reason why this may have been a reality some ethereal me chose is the time we live in. We are living at that point on an exponential line graph where the line starts fucking exploding nearly vertical. The line is technological growth. Life has been on Earth for millions of years, varying types of humans for 100,000. We've had civilizations for maybe 10,000 (interesting debates over this timeline are out there). The industrial revolution was less than 500 years ago. 50 years ago there was no internet. More information was generated last year than the entire collected human-race has created and kept in our history. That data will only multiply.

We literally may be the generation bridging the old world, the world before whatever technological singularity is to come, and the world after the singularity, a world who's following generations will be unable to grasp the primitivity we lived in. The more wealthy amongst our generation may very realistically shop on the moon, stay in a hotel on mars, live in a computer game indistinguishable from real life, where they are gods, and live far longer than our natural life allows.

If you believe in reincarnation, being our age in 2013 is the best evidence you've got.

So what if I chose this life? To really give into the idea makes my spine tingle. What am I going to experience? What if the unique perspective you experience, is a life the GodSelf you chose?

Don't let some shitty metaphysical system cap your imagination. Atheism is no better than Christianity, Islam, or Judaism in this regard  Fuck the boundaries these systems impose on truths no one can claim. Playing with what could be is a little maddening, but ultimately thrilling.

Synchronicity has been abundant today. I'm not sure whats causing it, if anything causes it, but I've had a day like no other. I love every one I have a chance too. I hope this post did something for you. It didn't turn out as I expected but whatever.