Becoming who I needed

I saw a quote last night that gave me goosebumps. I consider it a wink from Uni that it came to me the day before I write my weekly blog post. The quote was, “Be who you needed when you were younger.”

Fuck.

It sentences like those that fill me with passion to consider myself a writer. The power in those eight words did more for me then anything else that happened that day. Truth rings clear. She cuts through the bullshit of current culture.

I’m working on a book. This quote explains why. I’m creating a resource I wish I had had when I was younger. For reasons beyond my current comprehension, since childhood, I’ve thought deeply about God. Christianity was the symbol system introduced to me and it never meshed. It didn’t agree with something deep in me.

I prayed every night as a kid up until 14 or 15. I don’t think I’ve told many people this. I said the same prayer every night. “Thank you for today, thank you for life, thank you for my friend’s and family’s life.” I don’t know if that is verbatim but I remember the essence was that I never asked for anything. Even at 7 or 8, I thought that was offensive. I only said thank you.

Looking back on my life, I can see that I've always had an attraction to the spiritual, but I didn't have a symbol system, or mentors who could guide me toward what really mattered; an experiential relationship with the divine. 

It was around 14 or 15 that I discovered philosophy. The little semblance of spirituality in me died quickly and the prayers stopped. Logic was a scalpel and I amputated a part of myself. If you knew me then you knew I could argue. Anyone willing to debate with me made my day. I was an asshole, a bully. I didn’t realize it but I was wounded from my own numinous disillusionment that I wanted to squelch other’s light. Courtney from 2^nd period senior year, I’m sorry.

Psychedelics, psychology, and Jung reconnected me to my amputated spirituality. A couple of books and podcasts helped me too. Now, I feel more alive and luminous than I ever have. I believe this is because, well one, I’ve reconnected to the spiritual dimension of my Self. Another is that I am nurturing my creativity. I’ve always wanted to write a book. I feel, subjectively, I know, writing this book is healing that amputation scar. The book will be a guide my logically-inclined curious 14 year-old self could have followed to the divine.

We all have a unique creative function within us. I think that when we use our unique creative function to create something our younger selves would have wanted, would have needed, we are joining God in her dance.

Good parents do this. Some parent’s creative destiny is to be a great parent. Those kinds of parents, through stress and pressure that would crush me, become the parent their younger self needed. Both of my parents, flaws and all, did this for me.

My mother needed and did not get love from her parents. I surfed into adult life on a tidal wave of my mother’s love. My father needed and did not get security from his parents. He has always been a financial and pragmatic security system guarding my development. My gratefulness is beyond words to both of you. I repay this gratefulness by becoming the most actualized I can. I’m going to help others.

And this brings me to a passage from The Prophet that has continually resonated with me;

"Your children are not your children. 

They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. 

They come through you but not from you. 

And though they are with you yet they belong not to you. 

You may give them your love but not your thoughts, 

For they have their own thoughts. 

You may house their bodies but not their souls, 

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,

Which you can not visit, not even in your dreams. 

You may strive to be like them,

But seek not to make them like you. 

For life goes not backwards nor tarries with yesterday.  

You are the bows from which your children

as living arrows are sent forth. 

The archer sees the mark along the path of the infinite,

and He bends you with His might

that His arrow may go swift and far. 

Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness; 

For even as He loves the arrow that flies,

so He loves the bow that is stable."

Embrace your trials, failures, and wounds. Learn and grow from them. Thank you Mom and Dad for your stability under the archer's bending. 

Namaste. I love you.

Exercises:

1) Write a letter to your childhood self. Ask them what they like to do for fun. Brainstorm. We can find our unique creative function in the love our younger self naturally gravitated towards.